The true secret to raising normal
and well-adjusted children is in two simple sentences. "When
they are pleasant, treat them pleasantly. When they are unpleasant,
treat them unpleasantly." If you reward unpleasant behavior,
you will create an unpleasant child. The solution is simple. So
simple.
Today, we don’t spank our children as our parents might’ve
done to us. Studies show this can damage their self-esteem and
emotionally scar them. But putting a child in bed is all you’ll
ever need to do to punish them. This minor punishment phase is
something you won’t have to do go through for more than
a week or two in their entire life. And by doing so, your children
will magically and remarkably adapt and become the most pleasant,
perfect and well adjusted children you’ve ever known.
Conversely:
How to train your child to fail in life and in relationships:
A true story. I’m standing in a friend’s home and
their two year-old is asking for something that the father would
not give him.
Child: I want it.
Father: No
Child (louder) I want it.
Father: No
Child (even louder) I want it.
Father: No
Child (screaming) I want it!
Father: Okay, just stop screaming.
This is a case of the parent teaching the child that when they
behave badly they get what they want in life. And that is the
exact opposite of reality. In real life, outside of the unrealistic
world you might create as a parent, when that child behaves poorly,
that child will not be well liked by others. That child will have
a hard time making great friends. That child will not get along
with teachers. And when that child becomes an adult, they will
not be promoted and advanced by superiors and they will always
suffer in their relationships. Letting a child always have their
way creates an adult who is selfish, emotionally imbalanced and
unrealistic in their expectations.
Tough Love. This is what they call tough love. Though you hate
to hear your child cry when you put them in their room for punishment,
you have to love your child enough to properly motivate them to
be well adjusted. You’ll be amazed at how fast they adapt.
Children are the most adaptable anomalies on the planet.
I remember the pediatrician teaching us how to get our child to
sleep through the night (this to be done after the child is 12
months old and not before). She said: "Let her cry. If you
go in every time she cries, she will never learn to sleep through
the night." In two nights, our 13 month-old daughter was
trained and slept through the night every night since (she’s
14 now). I had to practically handcuff my wife from running right
in there, but even she was grateful when she saw how well it worked
and how much happier everyone was when our child now slept through
the night.
Our son was more resistant and determined. He took four nights.
Four nights of holding yourself back so the child (and you) can
have a lifetime of soundly sleeping through the night.
The Rule of ONE
The rule is that you never say "no" more than once without
immediately reinforcing that you "say what you mean and you
mean what you say." You have to care enough about your children
to intentionally and deliberately train them that it does not
pay to sulk, brood, pout, scream or cry unnecessarily. All those
behaviors will be treated with a swift carry-off to bed, where
they will stay until they become pleasant. A few minutes will
be sufficient in most cases, unless you’ve never disciplined
the child. If this is new to the child and they’ve always
gotten their way from you, they might scream their heads off the
first time you do this. Take the screaming as a warning of worse
things to come if you don’t now become twice as strict until
they learn.
The Rule of one says that it’s one warning and then RIGHT
to bed. NEVER is there any wavering on your part. Say what you
mean and mean what you say. Predictable behavior on your part
creates a far more well-adjusted child. If sometimes your strict
and other times your not, the child does not know where they stand.
You owe it to your child for things to be clear to them.
This approach has created two extremely well-adjusted children
who adapt to every situation with remarkable good nature. And
the punishment phase was remarkably brief. Maybe a week when they
were 13 months and then another week when they hit the terrible
two’s. Then a weekend of no phone when they get to be 12.
Minor discipline for a lifetime of well adjusted children.
The Amazing Realization. You do this for a week and quickly
you’ll see that even the threat of bed is enough to quickly
curtail all unpleasant behavior. Then one day, the child will
suddenly become extremely well adjusted and adapt whenever you
say no.
Child: Can I have some candy?
Parent:
Not now, honey.
Child: Okay.
End of scene. Compare this against our opening scene and you have
a very different world to live in. You’ll see it happen
very quickly and you’ll be delighted. You’ll know
it’s the way it should be because all the drama goes away
very quickly.
Am I cramping their style?
Self-esteem makes an accomplished child, not spoiled behavior.
Some parents feel that any discipline at all to a child is "cramping
their natural behavior." Their "natural behavior"
is up to how you teach them to be. So give the child everything
they want when they scream for it, and then YOU are the one creating
behavior, not "nature." You are the parent. It is your
job to make the proper decisions. Leaving a two year-old to make
their own decisions about how they should be raised is a recipe
for creating an adult who will be forever unhappy.
Self esteem is built by adoring your child, encouraging all their
positive behaviors and believing in them no matter what. But that’s
another article.
About the Author
Chet Holmes has been named one of the top 20 motivation experts
in the country. He has had more than 60 Fortune 500 clients as
a trainer, strategic positioning expert and change expert. He
has been published in more than 50 different magazines, newspapers
and trade journals. But here are his best qualifications for writing
this article: He has raised two wonderful children who are at
the height of popularity in their school (7th and 8th grade as
of this writing). Both get straight A’s in all their subjects.
Both play musical instruments. Both are accomplished competition-level
gymnasts. Both have wonderful personalities, a great sense of
humor and a wonderful wit. But most important of all, both are
happy, well-adjusted people on their way to adulthood with all
the tools and skills necessary to build great lives for themselves.
